oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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