I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
