Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
