hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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