Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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