Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
