I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
