the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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