she woke up with a sticky ear
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
