I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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