My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
