Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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