She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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