WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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