the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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