Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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