is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
