His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
