I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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