i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
