I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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