college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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