Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
