Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
In America we eat man semen.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
