We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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