i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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