i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
