garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
