Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My Higher Power is John Stamos
and she was petting her beer can
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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