Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
