fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
