Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
