Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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