My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
pop tarts are not kleenex
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
