What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
