can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
