Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
