When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
