I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
