I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
