whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
