I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
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that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"