You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Say something about gay babies.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
