Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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