he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
