You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
