My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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