The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think my fart just growled at me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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