Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
