I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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