Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The uberlube is also flammable
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
