they need to just BURY HIM!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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