At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
